Saturday, April 16, 2016

Make it real, make it holy

First solo trip to Port au Prince tomorrow. At home, we finished packing pencils, stickers and candy for the students at the PEF school. The kids opened up their piggy banks so I can have change. David was emotional but denied it was because I was leaving. He gave one of his small toy cars ('machine' as they call it in Haiti) for any one small boy there. Emma was distracted and irritated. Alma got all this stuff from the dollar store. My own mind is very distracted and anxious, filled with unknown fears. I can't put my finger on it. Is it the news of recent shootings in Port au Prince, in which one person I have met- Mario- was shot in the face? Is it the news of the Zika virus? Is it the travel advisory at the US Department of State website? Is it that I feel powerless that should something happen to me my family would need to continue without me? Surely they will do well enough. So what am I so worried about? What happened to my intrepid self, the one that in 1993 with my friend Ta would travel nearly penniless on trains and buses through Tamil Nadu and Kerala, surviving on rations of peanuts and good humor? Am I that old?

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.- Psalm 43:5

Will my trip be fruitful? Will I be able to relate to the kids at the school? Will the staff and administrators view me seriously? Can I go there with humility, and not as a 'benefactor' but a servant? Why is this happening, Lord?

In the past, on my trips with HART, I was almost a tourist-missionary, getting my feet wet. Now I'm on my own.

On the other hand, this is an opportunity to face my fears and see the face of God. So, make it real. Make it holy, Lord.

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